


No one wants you (when you have no heart)

by insxne



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Emotionally Repressed, Hell Trauma, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Rough Sex, Self-Destruction, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-01-20 17:34:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12438063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insxne/pseuds/insxne
Summary: Theo keeps wondering where his life went so, so wrong, to deprive him for having a soulmate.





	1. drapetomania

 

 

> **drapetomania (** n.)  
>  an overwhelming urge to run away.

 

He starts asking himself again why he doesn't have a soulmate. He wonders if it's because he had a heart condition, or because he is a chimera (but then, he remembers Corey is a chimera too, and that he has Mason as a soulmate), or because the heart beating in his chest is his sister's. 

Or maybe he wants to have something to blame so he doesn't have to go to the conclusion that he just doesn't deserve anyone. He doesn't even have the right to say it's unfair, because, truth be told, it's not. 

' _Because you're_ _barely human',_ Scott had said. He was right. Theo is a monster, and this is exactly the reason why he doesn't have a soulmate. Like, really, who would want to have a soulmate like him ? And Theo is perfectly fine with it. He doesn't need a soulmate, after all : love makes people weak, and Theo can't afford himself to have the tiniest weakness.   
Except he's only made of them, and the dread doctors in his nightmares are more than happy to remind him that.  _Failure. Failure. **Failure.**_

He's just a cold, manipulative and  _alone_ killer. He doesn't have anyone, doesn't deserve anyone, and nobody wants him. He has no family, no friends, and no soulmate.

And, yeah, like he said, he's perfectly fine with it.

Perfectly.

Sort of.

Not really.

Not at all.

* * *

No one knows, and Theo is going to keep it that way. It's his life, his secret, his burden, and like, why would he want them, fucking Saint Scott McCall and his loyal friends, to know ? That won't fix things, and Theo doesn't need them to think he's damaged in some ways. He doesn't need them to pity him ; he has already himself for that. 

* * *

One night, he gives up and types on Google : "people without soulmates".

He finds nothing. 

It just makes him feeling more depressed. He's alone, in every way possible, and even if he'd rather die than to admit that, he hates feeling this way. 

He wants nothing than go back to when he was child, happy and unaware of everything. He wants more than anything to stop himself from  _killing_ _his sister._

But he can't, and now he's left facing the consequences. He's left facing Tara every night, just like in hell, and when he wakes up, he has to remember how to breathe. 

* * *

He'd like to say seeing soulmate marks doesn't affect him, doesn't hurt him, that he doesn't care, but, since hell, suppressing his feelings is not as easy as before. There are too many of them, too strong, rushing and eating him, and he's left curled up with tears on his cheeks. 

'Do you ever have regrets ?' Liam asks him once. They're sitting in Theo's car, and Liam is watching the purple and yellow marks on his hands disappear. They fought a bunch of weird creatures, like old times, just the two of them. But something changed, or at least, is changing. Theo doesn't know why, doesn't know if it's because Liam is now the alpha, but he has this tensed feeling hanging in his chest.

Theo remembers hell, he remembers his sister dying under him, and how it's getting hard sometimes to just wake up and  _be alive._

His hands clenched around the steering wheel, but his heart doesn't flinch. He has always been a good liar, anyway. 'No', he says, and none of them tries to talk again.

* * *

 

Theo comes back to the bridge. He stayed leaned over the edge, watching the water flows, until all of his body is painful and numb from the cold.

Until he can almost see his sister dying and begging him to help her. He wants to, he wants to go down there and be with her, but he's numb and too fucking cold.

* * *

'She fucking left me !', Liam yells, pacing into the room, angry and hurt. Theo is there, sitting on the sofa, watching him. 'Calm down, Liam', he just says, a little annoyed. He doesn't understand why Liam is such in a state. 'Calm down ?' Liam repeats, almost hysterical. 'How can I calm down ? We're soulmates, for God's sake, and...'

Theo's heart sinks deeper. No wonder why he doesn't understand, he  _can't._ It's above him, because he doesn't have a fucking name written on his wrist. 

'Liam, it's not a big deal' he tries to tell him, but the werewolf doesn't look at him, doesn't hear him. 'No, no, we're soulmates, I can't live without her...'  is all he keeps mumbling. 'Liam !' Theo shouts, almost desperately. Liam finally stops, wide-eyed, and stares at him. Theo rolls up the sleeves of his sweater to his elbows. 'It's not a big deal.'

Liam is too surprised to stay angry. He keeps looking at Theo's bare wrists, at his skin lacking in ink. Theo acts like it's not affecting him, because he don't want Liam to see how much it hurts, that someone now knows his secret. 

'You don't have a soulmate ?' He finally lets out, like he can't believe what he's seeing. Theo shakes his head, swallowing back the lump in his chest. 'No', Theo answers. 'I don't have a soulmate.'

His throat is burning from the words. It's the first time he ever says it. 

'How ? I mean, why ?' Liam asks. 

'I don't know', Theo mutters, and he turns away to hide the tears squeezing against his eyelids. They burn too, just like the words. 

'Why ?' Liam repeats, like Theo is stupid or deaf and didn't hear his question. 

' _I don't know_ '. Theo feels sick, he feels like everything is crashing against him, like Tara is ripping ~~his~~ ,  _her_ heart out of his chest, one more time, but he doesn't run, he doesn't leave. He knows what Liam's silence means ; he knows Liam is making a list of the same reasons of the  _why_ as Theo did. None of them says anything, again, and Theo finds himself sinking even more. He thought sharing it would lift a weight from his shoulders. It didn't. 

* * *

He knows it will have consequences. Everything has always consequences when it comes to Theo. Bad ones, and Theo isn't ready to face more of them. He wants to run away, to leave Beacon Hills, but somehow Liam succeeds in making him forget even about that.   
Everything Theo does has bad consequences maybe because everything he does is bad. He can't stop wondering if telling Liam he doesn't have a soulmate was, but it keeps him awake all night. But it's okay, better this than the nightmares. 

He knows what Liam thinks of him now. He knows how he sees him : like someone so fucking damages that he's deprive of love, that he's put away from the society. A paria. 

And that makes him want to run. To find a place cut from the others and their fucking soulmates. It's an awful and sick feeling hanging in his stomach, growing and eating him : an overwhelming urge to run away. 

He wants to, but Liam has a way of kissing him that makes him forget everything.

* * *

Sometimes, when Liam thinks Theo is asleep, Theo sees him roll up his sleeve and stare at his wrist. He doesn't have to be near to see what it is. _HAYDEN_. Written on his skin. 

Once, he sits and have the courage to ask Liam what he's doing. 'Nothing', he answers, 'I'm going to take a shower.' And that's it. 

Theo wants to ask him why he looks at it. He wants to ask him why he's not enough. 

And it hurts, it hurts, it hurts so much. 

Most of the times, he wants to ask Liam why it's so hard to care for him. 

Most of the times, he stays silent and pretend he's still asleep, but he has tears in his eyes and blood in his mouth. 

* * *

Liam presses his lips against Theo's roughly, pining him against the wall. Theo sighs against the kiss, but it's not even a sigh of relief ; he's tired. It would be wrong to say they fit perfectly because they don't, and Theo feels bile on his tongue. He tries to forget it, to suppress the sickness in his throat, to convince himself it's enough, that Liam isn't using him, but he can't erase the tightening grip around his heart. Theo kisses back, despite it, despite everything, and that's freaking painful, to hold what you want but find you hold nothing. Liam is miles away, too far for Theo to reach for him. 

But he kisses back, he lets Liam bite at his lower lip, he lets him do whatever the fuck he wants. And Liam kisses back too, and it feels like Theo is struggling under the water, desperately trying to find his way back to the surface for air ; but when Liam finally pulls back, Theo still can't breathe, he's drowning deeper. He should stop, he knows that, he should stop before he reaches the end of the pit, before he atteins this dark place where no light is allowed, but he's unable to, he doesn't want to. 

He wan't stop Liam, and Liam isn't going to. He's stuck, prisoner, forced to watch Liam stealing him away.

* * *

Sometimes, just because he only seems able to hurt himself, he thinks about his sister's soulmate. He knows she had one, because she showed him the name on her wrist :  _JONAS_. And then he started crying and showing his bare wrists without saying a word, because he couldn't say it out loud, too afraid that it would become more true. And she had smiled at him. 'It's because you're too perfect for anyone' she had said. 

But it was a long time ago, when they were children, before he killed her, before he stopped knowing what it feels like to be happy, to be  _human._

No doubts she didn't think of him as "perfect" anymore. 

But, somehow, he succeeds to remember the warmth of her smile and her embrace rather than the pain and the coldness when she rips her heart out of him. 

* * *

_You came home early from school one day. 'Theo, you there ?' you asked, and when you didn't get an answer, you went to do something else._

_I was home, but you didn't realize it for thirty minutes, when you saw the bathroom's door was closed and heard the sobs I desperately tried to hide._

_I hope you wouldn't say anything, that you would just act like there was no ~~thing.~~_

_No, cross that. I hoped you would, Liam._

_Of course, you didn't._

_You never mentioned it. Why would you ?_

_You never cared._

* * *

_Theo..._

The ground is cold under his bare feet, just like everything else, and there's no light. Every door, every exit is closed, and Theo can hit and push at it all he wants,  _she_ always finds him. She never says anything, just the long, echoing whisper. _Theo..._

And then she's behind him, standing, her chest open, bloody, heartless, her face cold and emotionless. That's ironic, because that's exactly like on the bridge, except she's him, taking her heart back and watching him die and he's her, dying and begging for help. He never helped her. She doesn't help him. 

Pure payback. And then it starts again, and again, and again, until he doesn't even try to run, until he just wants to  _die._

* * *

 

'What are we ?' Theo asks. Liam is above him, kissing his neck and pulling fingers into him in and out. Theo lets out a groan when the other hits a very sensitive spot inside him, and spread his legs wider. Everything is so wrong. 'What do you mean ?' Liam says dismissively, panting. Theo lets his head fall back against the door, and Liam bites his neck. 'Like... Boyfriends, sexfriends, I don't-ah ! now' he manages to say. Liam doesn't even look at him, but thee's heart is beating madly and with hope. he wants Liam to answer, he wants him to say what they have means something, that he cares. 

But Theo never has what it wants, right ?

'Does it matter ?' Liam asks, before replacing his fingers by his cock. Theo doesn't feel the pain, he doesn't even acknowledge it. 'No', he lets out, coldly, and, jaw tight, he stares up at his car's ceiling. He lets Liam fuck him, he lets Liam steal him away, and, this time, it barely hurts. Theo is too fucking numb to feel anything. 

Liam is growling and moving above him, but Theo stays silent, doesn't make any sound. And the realization hits him : Liam doesn't care for him, he doesn't see him. Theo's just someone he can use for easy fuck and to forget Hayden. And Liam doesn't even have to feel guilty about it, right ? Because Theo doesn't have a soulmate. 

Theo laughs, then he cries and then he laughs again. Here they are, the fucking consequences. Here they fucking are. 

Liam is watching him, still buried inside him, eyebrows furrowed, like Theo's became crazy. 'Are you okay ?' He asks. Theo just keeps laughing and sobbing. 'Yeah', he chokes out. 'It's just... I'm really glad.'

Liam doesn't insist any further. Of course he doesn't. And Theo is actually glad.

Because he can finally give up on himself.

* * *

He wanted to feel warm, to burn, to erase the coldness of hell, he wanted Liam to make him feel that way, but he came too late, or picked the wrong sun. All of Liam's warmth is meant to someone else, and all Theo gets are the frozen rays. He wanted to burn, but Liam is almost as cold as him. Or, at least, for Theo.

And now Theo is burning, but not in the way he wanted to. He's consuming, destroying himself, he's burning in pain and anger, and now all there's left are the ashes of himself. 

He's on the bridge, again. It's not as cold, there's a soft air, but he feels frozen on the inside. This time, when he leans over the edge, he dent see Tara dying. He thinks about jumping, and then imagines Liam in the water, begging for help and forgiveness, imagines dragging him down into hell with him.

The thought is so unbearable that he pulls away from the edge and throws up, shaking uncontrollably. 

Theo gave, offered himself to Liam, hoping he would do the same thing, but Liam took everything, took him, consumed him until there's almost nothing else, and didn't give anything back. 

Theo realized it too late. Liam used him. He did the exact same thing Tara did : he took Theo’s heart, kept it prisoner. And gave it back in pieces. 

But now, Theo can run away, he can give up on this urge. There’s nothing holding him back. Liam is not holding him back anymore. 

He’s finally free, but somehow he tastes ashes on his tongue and blood in his mouth. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, first chapter, what did you think ? Liam using Theo ? Theo destroying himself ? What will happen next ?  
> I will post the second chapter soon !


	2. toska

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Triggers warning

 

 

> **toska** (n.) 
> 
> _a dull ache of the soul, a sick pining, a spiritual anguish_
> 
>  
> 
>  

 

Seattle, one mounth later.

 

‘Hey, Theo, can you close the bar for me ?’ Joanie asks, coming out of the changing room at the back. She has exchanged the uniform of the staff for dark, torn jeans and a large grey sweater. ‘I have to pick Leah from the babysitter.’

Theo nods, catching the key she throws him. She smiles gratefully at him, and it feels so weird, and warm, someone smiling at him sincerely. ‘Oh, and, for the record’, she adds, taking a few steps so only him can hear, ‘the guy there is literally checking you out. Or eyes-fucking, rather’, she whispers. Theo looks behind her shoulder and sees him : platinium hair, grey eyes, a tattoo covering his neck and his right arm, and definitely good-looking. And, as Joanie said, “eyes-fucking” him. And, also, absolutely nothing alike Liam.  _Good._

‘He’s not bad’, Theo answers, and Joanie laughes. ‘You’ll tell me later’, she says with a wink, before leaving the place. 

Thirty minutes later, and the man is still there, when all the others clients left. Theo puts the stores down, closes the front door, and then turns towards the man, arching his eyebrows. ‘So ?’ Theo asks him. ‘What are you waiting for ? In the back or here ?’ 

The man grins, and stands up, walking towards him, pushing him against the counter and pressing their body together. Theo doesn’t have to smell or to sense the chemo signals to feel his arousal. He hopes the guy is better in bed than he is in flirt, otherwise it’s gonna pretty dramatic. 

_When has he became such a slut, already ?’_

‘You know, I don’t have all the night, so... hurry ?’ He says, yet. He doesn’t care what the other thinks, he doesn’t care what he thinks of himself. He just want to feel the pain, he wants to feel himself aching and  _hurting._ He wants to forget. 

‘Bossy, aren’t you ?’ The guy asks, amused, but Theo doesn’t smile. ‘Then listen and screw me’. 

So the guy makes him brutally turn over, bending him on the counter, face against it, and Theo lets him fuck him. It’s dirty, quick, rough and careless, but Theo is perfectly fine with it. He doesn’t need any feelings, he doesn’t need this to mean something, doesn’t need this to be soft, to be  _love._

When the other finally leaves, Theo stays there, without moving, staring at the wall blankly. The surface of the counter is cold against his skin, but that doesn’t really matter. Theo is already cold in the inside. 

He feels empty, so, so empty, and he’d like to say he likes it, but he doesn’t. 

* * *

 

 

‘Theo’, a voice whispers, soft. Theo closes his eyes, relaxing, and, for the first time in days, in mounths, he feels warm. He lets the feeling surround him, and hell, it feels so good. ‘Theo, open your eyes’, the voice says again, and Theo obeys, meeting two blue eyes shining in the dark. ‘Liam’, he lets out. 

And Liam smiles at him, he smiles at him with so much emotions, so much fucking love, and Theo feels overwhelmed by it. He wants to cry, but he doesn’t ; he grips at Liam’s tights to be sure. To be sure it’s real. 

‘You’re here’, Theo murmurs, his voice raspy and hoarse. ‘You’re here’, he repeats. He can feel Liam’s heart beating against his chest, and he touches it, feeling the comforting beating against his fingers. 

‘Where would I be ?’ Liam says, laughing. Theo feels an explosion of warmth in his stomach. ‘You’re my soulmate.’

Theo takes Liam’s arm and turns it to expose his wrist. There, on the pale skin. Not  _HAYDEN_ written on it, but his name. His.  _THEO._

Liam, gently, shows him his own wrist. There’s not nothing, like he expected it. There’s a name. There’s  _LIAM._

And Liam kisses his cheek, his fingers caressing his arms, sending delicious sensations of warmth in Theos body. ‘I’m not going anywhere’, he says. ‘Never’. 

It’s too much. It’s too much, oh, fuck, it’s too much. Theo can’t do this. He pushes Liam away, and sits, turning his back to him. His hands are shaking, and he feels tears in his eyes. ‘Theo ?’ Liam calls, worried. 

‘You... you can’t say that. You can’t.’ Theo mumbles, breathing erratically. 

‘Why ?’

’ _Because it’s just a dream_ ’, Theo snaps, and then, that’s it : tears are rolling down his cheeks and sobs are burning his throat. 

He’s messed up ; he knows that. He’s so messed that it hurts, not only the people around him but also himself. He’s so messed up that he doesn’t know how he can still be alive. He’s an abomination, a failure, an experiment that went wrong, a monster who doesn’t know to express his feelings. 

That’s his greatest strength. Or, rather, he thought it was, but it’s his greatest weakness. The only thing he knows to do with his emotions is suppressing them. 

Then there are two arms circling him, he’s pulled against a warm body, and Liam’s scent surrounds him. Theo cries harder, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably, but Liam is here, pressing his face in the crook of his sholder, holding him tightly. ‘It’s okay’, he whispers. ‘It’s okay’. 

 

When Theo wakes up, he’s still crying. But he’s alone. 

* * *

 

Theo watches the grill, the smoke emanating from it, the way the warmth radiates from it, how it’s getting hot when he puts his hand near him, and suddenly, he feels angry, so angry that it overpowers the numbness that won’t leave him. Angry at Liam, at the world and mostly at himself.  _You wanted to burn ? Then go ahead, burn. Why don’t you do it ?_

He remembers Liam’s roughness, careless touches. He remembers the way he kissed him, like he wanted Theo to be someone else.  _Both_ wanting Theo was someone else. Then he remembers the dream, the love in Liam’s eyes, their names written in each other’s wrists, the warmth of his embrace, how good it felt to be complete, to be wanted. And he remembers how lost he felt when he woke up. 

The anger submerges him, again, crashing against him, and he’s drowning in it. He looks at his wrist, at the name missing on it, and, anger blinding him, he puts it on the grill. 

It feels like nothing, at first, but there’s a pinch growing, and then the sensation of burning and the pain explodes. He lasts one, two, three fucking seconds before he pulls away. 

‘Fuck !’ He yells, ‘ _FUCK !!_ ’. He punches a wall so hard that it leaves a hole in it. 

Joanie bursts into the kitchen, panicked. When she sees Theo’s burn, bloody wrist, her eyes widen. ‘The hell happened ?’ She exclaimed, rushing to his side. Theo doesn’t answer. He lets himself sink to the ground, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths. All the noises around him disappear, and the only think he can hear is his heart beating, echoing against his ears. 

He thought he had reached the end of the pit, so why, why does it feel like he’s still drowning ?

But the pain makes him feel good. It makes him feel so good that the only thing he can think of is doing it again, and again, and again. 

Until he  _dies._

* * *

 

_‘You should have let me in the cell’, Theo said, looking into the corridor by the window of the door. They’re in the hospital, in the morgue, trying to stop the apocalypse and everyone from being forgotten. Or, rather, he’s trying hard not to let himself be submerges by the fear and the memories, trying very hard not to run. ‘I should have let you in the ground’, Liam answers, and Theo turns to face him, his all body tensing. ‘Oh, really ?’_

_’yes, really !’ Liam says. ‘What do you think I was doing down there ?’ Theo throws back angrily, ‘just hanging out with my dead sister ? Having a good time, catching up on childhood memories ?’_

_‘I think you were rotting down there’, Liam answers, and one sentence makes Theo remembers the coldness of hell, and the pain, and the terror. He stares a second at the ground, but Tara’s not there._

_‘Liam finally gets one thing right’, he manages to say, trying desperately to brink his walls back up, before Liam has the chance to see through him, to see how hurt he is, how messed up he’s become._

_‘Whatever happened to you’, Liam continues, taking a step towards him, ‘you deserved it’._

_You deserved it._

_You deserved it. **You deserved it.**_

* * *

 

It’s been two mounths since he left Beacon Hills, two mouths since he saw Liam. But he can wash himself, scratch at his skin all he wants, he can still feel Liam’s hands on his body, nailing, grilling at him, and he has to punch the wall at least twenty times to come back to reality. 

He watches the water clean the blood on his fists, but he doesn’t let himself heal. He finds comfort in seeing the marks and the wounds, in feeling the pain, because it’s getting harder just to  _feel_ something. He wakes up in a grey fog, like he’s not really there, like he’s prisoner from an invisible cell (himself), and he can’t get out. 

He searches on Google (yeah, he knows he’s pathetic). When the results give ‘depression’, he breaks his phone. 

* * *

 

You’d be surprised to see how drugs can affect a chimera. Theo doesn’t know what Joanie put in the cigarette, but it’s gotta be strong, because the world is already blurry around him.

He met Joanie just after the day he arrived here, when he got the job at the bar. She was cleaning a glass, he remembers, and her blond hair was tied up in a bun. They talked a little. She told him she was nineteen, has a four years old daughter named Leah and that she didn’t want to hear the word “soulmates”. He has smiled, showing the bracelet covering his wrist. ‘That makes two of us’. 

He didn’t tell her he didn’t have one. He had learned his lesson well enough. 

‘The first time he raised a hand on me, he was drunk, so I thought, you know, it was just the alcohol, it’s okay.’ Joanie explains, calmly. They’re both too high to keep their mouth shut. ‘But then, there was a second time, and a third, and others and others, but I kept making him excuses, to the point that I actually convinced myself that it was all my fault. That, until I found out I was pregnant, and I didn’t want the baby to have this life. So I left.’ 

It was an awful story. He couldn’t imagine Joanie, sixteen years old, running from her abusive soulmate just to save the life she was carrying. It was so... selfless, good, that it made Theo ache, because he would never have the courage to do that. 

‘That’s why I hate soulmates’, Joanie adds in a sigh. ‘Because you wake up one day and someone is saying to you “hi, you have to be with this person”. It’s not fucking love, it’s... it’s obligation. I mean, what if your soulmate is a killer, or a raper ?’ 

And Theo wants to cry, because, fuck, why can’t he think like her ? Why can’t he see his absence of soulmate as a bless rather than a curse ?

Oh, right. Because he’s messed up. 

‘Anyway, what happened with yours ?’ Joanie asks, and Theo looks at her, furrowing. ‘Come on. I know you burnt you wrist on purpose.’ 

Theo looks down at his arm, at the white bandage covering it. ‘Let’s just say he wasn’t the person I wwanted’, Theo answers. The words burn, there’s a lump in his throat, and it hurts to simply remember. He takes a drag of the cigarette ; the world becomes even blurrier. ‘Yeah’, Joanie says, taking a drag from the cigarette too. ‘No one wants you when you have no heart, anyway.’

She’s right, but he’s too high, and it barely hurts. 

He takes the cigarette from her hands, stubs it out on the ground and, taking Joanie’s face between his hands, he kisses her. She opens her lips, gripping at his arms, and he fucks her right here, on the ground at the back of the bar. 

* * *

 

_I’m not going to help you._

Liam is there when Tara appears out of the ground and drags Theo in hell with her. He’s here when Theo’s screaming for help, begging them desperately, but he does nothing. He just watches. 

_I’m not going to save you._

In his nightmare, Liam is also here when Theo wakes up in the morgue. He’s here when Theo tries to run. He smiles when Tara rips his heart out of him. 

Theo is tired of this. He’s so tired of this. 

_I’m going to do exactly what you would do to me._

So, instead of running, this time, he rushes against Liam, pins him to the cold ground. And he screams, and punches him with all he’s got, again, and again, and again, until he realises all he’s pinching is the ground. 

He screams again, but there’s no one to hear him. 

* * *

 

The door is open. 

It’s weird, because Theo remembers closing it before he left to work, and, well, he knows it can’t be a good sign. He doesn’t care if he’s been robbed (there’s nothing valuable in his apartment anyway) but if it’s a hunter...

He comes in carefully, listening, and then, he gets it. One heartbeat. Someone’s here. 

‘Theo’, a voice says, but Theo turns quickly and pins the person violently against the wall, ready to tear the throat of whoever this is, until... until...

He’s met with two blue eyes. 

He pulls away like the touch burned him, and maybe it did. He’s burning, consuming from everywhere, and, suddenly, he can’t breathe. He’s here.  _He’s here._

‘I can’t believe I found you’ Liam says. ‘I’ve been looking for you for nearly two mouths ! Where the fuck have you been ?’

Theo wants to laugh, because he can’t believe what he’s seeing and hearing. Liam is there, blaming him ? 

‘Are you kidding me ?’ Theo finally lets out. Liam’s eyebrows furrows. ‘Dude, You disappeared without saying a word ! Why did you do that ?’

And then Theo bursts in laughters, until he reaches to the point where he can’t breathe and he’s sure he’s going to cry. So he forces himself to calm down (rather die than showing weaknesses in front of Liam), and looks up at Liam, who has been staring at him, incomprehension filling his face.

‘Why, Liam ?’, Theo repeats. ‘ _Why ?!_ You know what, go ask yourself, and while you’re doing it, go fuck yourself.’

’hey, what the hell is wrong with you ?’ Liam exclaims.

‘Oh, you wanna know ? Everything is wrong with me !’ He yells. ‘This’ he shows his wrist still covered with a bandage, ‘is wrong with me, you, Liam ducking Dunbar, is wrong with me !’

Theo wants to punch him. He wants to fucking strangle him, kill him, he wants to make him feel pained, and hurt, and agonising. He wants to run away, because it’s too much : Liam is right in front of him and Theo is going to explode. 

‘Why the fuck are you even here ? You don’t give a shit about me ! Oh, wait, I know : couldn’t let big bad Theo escape from your sigh, right ?’ He snorts cruelly. ‘Go on, you can call Saint McCall to tell him I’m not planning anything !’

’I give a shit about you, Theo, and I’ve been searching you for two mouths !’ Liam shouts, starting to lose his temper.

Then, suddenly, everything crashes against Theo, and he’s left cold and empty. Just like every time Liam is with him. 

Liam is eating him, and Theo is not going to let him steal him away. Not this time. 

‘Get out’, he says, calmly. He doesn’t recognise his own voice. It would be scary, but Theo doesn’t feel much anymore. 

Liam doesn’t move. ‘Get-out’, Theo repeats, fists tightening. 

‘No’, Liam answers, but Theo grabs him by the wrist and shoved him out, before closing brutally the door. Liam starts banging, ordering Theo to let him come in, but Theo opens the window and runs away.

He’s starting to get really good at it.

* * *

The party is going wild when he arrives. There are lights everywhere, blinding him, but it’s the place where he’a sure Liam won’t be able to find him in. 

Besides, Theo really needs to forget what’s happening. 

He goes straight for the bar, orders a drink, and swallow it without even thinking. The alcohol burns his tongue and his throat, but in the good way of burn. 

He almost jumps when someone touches his shoulder, and he turns to face the other guy. Platinum hair. Grey eyes. Yeah, it’s the guy from the bar, Theo remembers. 

‘Hey, didn’t know you go to this kind of parties !’ The other says to him, almost screaming to cover the sound of the music. Theo doesn’t answer ; he puts his glass on the counter and pulls Platinium guy for a kiss. It’s rough, mostly teeth, but it feels good, even more when he feels their hips pressed together. 

When they break away for air, Platinium guy hands him a white little pill. Theo furrows. ‘What’s this ?’ He asks, and the other grins. ‘This, baby, is the fucking heaven.’

Theo hesitates for a moment, but he remembers how cold hell felt, how desperate he was to just have a taste of what heaven feels like. 

So he takes the pill and swallows it dry. Platinium guy smiles and kisses him again, biting at his bottom lip and putting his hands under Theo’s tee-shirt. 

Suddenly, the whole world feels more... real, colourful, even if it starts to be a little blurry, but right now, Theo feels  _everything._ He feels the heat of the crowd, the burn of the alcohol, how light he is ; he feels Platinium guy’s hands on his body, he feels his erection pressing against his, he feels his heart beating against his chest. It’s like his chimera’s powers have been improved. And it’s just wonderful. Platinium guy pulls away, and smiles at him. ‘How do you feel ?’ He asks, 

‘Oh, god, fuck me’, Theo just says, and Platinium guy laughes. ‘It’s good, right ?’ 

Theo nods, and starts kissing the guy’s neck, sucking at his skin and biting into it. The other groans and scratches at his back. Theo lets out a moan, and pins him against the counter. 

‘Wait, wait’, Platinium guy says. ‘Why don’t we go to somewhere calmer ?’

’Dance with me first’, Theo answers. ‘And then we’ll see.’

Platinium guy grins, and, taking Theo by the wrist, he pulls him in the crowd. It gets too blurry for Theo to remember exactly what happened, but it felt amazing, being close to so many bodies, able to sense their warmth. It felt amazing to dance with Platinium guy, to press their lips together, to kiss until their jaws hurt. 

Until he hears a door close, and he comes back to reality. He’s not in the crowd anymore, he doesn’t even know where he is, and he doesn’t know how he came here. 

Platinium guy is against him, kissing his neck and making his way down to his body, and, wait, when did Theo lose his tee-shirt ? 

‘God, you’re so fucking good’, Platinium guy says. ‘I’m going to fuck the hell out of you’.

Theo doesn’t feel anything anymore. He doesn’t understand what is happening. It’s like he’s prisoner from himself, not able to make a move. He doesn’t feel any pleasure when Platinium guy sucks his skin on his tight. 

The world is spinning faster and faster around him, and it’s like Theo is going to implode. Fuck, something is wrong, something is terribly wrong, he needs to stop, he needs to think...

’Wait’ he manages to say, but his voice is hoarse and it hurts to talk. Platinium guy doesn’t seem to hear him. Theo succeeds in pulling the other away from him. ‘Wait, just... I...’

’Shut up’, Platinium guy says, and suddenly, Theo feels terrified. He doesn’t know where he is, with a guy that won’t stop kissing him, that gave him a drug, and Theo is there, to his mercy, unable to do a thing. 

The other starts kissing him again and undressing him, but Theo shakes his head and tries to fight him. 

‘Stop’, he begs, ‘I don’t want-I don’t want to do this.’ 

‘You wanted it five minutes ago’, Platinium guy says whitout even looking at him. 

Theo is lost, and he feels tears in his eyes. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what do do. He doesn’t even have the strength to scream. 

‘Please, stop’, he whispers and the other unzip his pants and starts putting his boxers down. Theo still has his jeans, so maybe he can do something. ‘We... we can do it later, just... let me go’

’That didn’t bother you last time, you slut’, Platinium guy says, and Theo closes his eyes, tears rolling on his cheeks. It’s just a nightmare. A horrible, terrifying nightmare, but he’s going to wake up, he’s going to wake up, he’s going to wake up... 

When Platinium guy starts pulling his own pants down, Theo punches him on the nose. The other yells and falls back, cursing, and Theo stumbles to the door. Everything is blurring and turning, he wants to throw up, he wants to just close his eyes and sleep. He lets out a shout when Platinium tackles him to the ground. It’s not normal, Theo is supposed to be a chimera, he’s supposed to be able to defend himself, he’s supposed to...

When he feels a punch in his stomach, he curls on himself to avoid any more pain. He can’t breathe, he’s going to die in here, he’s going to fucking die in here... 

He throws up on the floor, and he can feel blood in his mouth, and the pain is overwhelming him from everywhere. 

Someone screams. Maybe it’s him, he can’t say, but it’s too much. Everything is too much. 

Theo wants it to stop. 

‘Leave me alone’, he murmurs. 

He doesn’t realise the guy is gone when he hears and feel nothing for at least five minutes. Maybe Theo screamed and the other got scared to be found and left. Theo doesn’t care. He’s alone, laying on the ground, covered in blood and vomit, drugged and weak. 

After five more minutes, he manages to take his phone out of his pocket and calls the first number he remembers. 

‘Help me’, he whispers, and everything goes black. 

 

 

 

> _I can’t tell if I’m having nightmares anymore because all my dreams feel like hell and all my days feel the same but hey at least I’m sleeping_
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second chapter ! I know it’s really a hard one. What did you think ? Who did Theo call at the end ? Is he going to be okay ?  
> I will post the next one soon, I promise ! Let me know what you thought of this !


	3. alexythimia

 

> **alexythimia** (n.)
> 
> an inability to describe emotions in a verbal manner.

 

 

_Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me._  
Help me. Help me.  
**Help me.**

 

* * *

 

_Theo... Help me..._

His sister is dying. She's in the water, gasping for air, a bloody hole in her chest. 'Theo', she begs, but Theo stands there, without moving, on the bridge, watching her. it's cold, but he doesn't care. She's dying, but, again, he can't bring himself to care. He doesn't feel anything. 

_'I watched her fall into the water and freeze to death in minutes. Do you think I had any idea what was going on ?'_

He has locked up his emotions, deeply, exactly like the dread doctors told him to. 

_'I think you pushed her. And I think you liked it.'_

'Help... Me.'

_Help me._

_Please._

* * *

 

'How could I stay away ?' Douglas says, and Theo tries to run, even if the other is blocking the only exit, but he feels fangs digging in his back, and he stops, the pain overwhelming him. He wants to scream, to call Scott, or Liam, for help, but he remembers how he begged them, screamed when Tara dragged him under the ground ; how they did nothing. 'I'll rip you in two', Douglas whispers in his ear, and Theo does whatever he asks him.

When they finally find him, it's too late. Douglas has killed the Ghost Rider and ate his brain, and Theo's laying on the ground, blood on his body and in his mouth.

'I was wrong', Liam says, and Theo feels the tears burn in his eyes. 'I'm sending you back'.

* * *

 

Theo grips at Mason's arm, trying desperately to focus, but nothing happens. No black veins, no pain. Why isn't it working ? It should be, he's part werewolf, he...

'You can't take pain if you don't care', Mason says, and it hurts as if Tara was there, taking his heart. The memories are overwhelming him, threatening to swallow him, and the coldness he feels inside him is turning into sharp ice, cutting him painfully.

He's lost, and there's no one willing to put him back in the right way.

* * *

 

Platinum guy is kissing his neck, again, and the world is turning around Theo without stopping. It keeps spinning, like it's going to explode, and Theo's sure he's also going to.  _Please leave me alone._

'That didn't bother you last time, you slut', he hears the other say, and he closes his eyes, tears falling down his cheeks. Monster. Abomination.  _Slut_. Another word to had to his description. 

He can hear his heartbeat, growing louder and louder, until it covers everything else, until he stops feeling everything. He's away, stuck, floating in the dark. And he has no light. 

* * *

 

It's all blurry and fuzzy around him, and his ears are whistling ; he barely hears Joanie's moans when he thrusts harder into her.

He's an horrible person. He left Beacon Hills because Liam used him, and yet, here he is, doing the exact same thing to the only person he considers as his friend.

_No one wants you when you have no heart,_ she had said. This time, it hurts to admit she's right.

* * *

 

'It hurts', the boy sobs. 'It hurts'. He has dragged himself to the wall, leaving a long trace of blood, and he's facing them, tears on his face and more blood on his lips and chin. 

Theo's shoulder aches painfully, but he stands up, holding it with a hand, and walks towards Gabe, unable to look away from him, to the deep wounds on his chest. He's not a hunter anymore, he's just a scared boy, dying in agony because he has made the wrong choices.

'It hurts', he repeats, like some kind of prayer, or begging. He looks up when Theo stops in front of him, and they stare at each other, until Theo kneels besides him. Gabe's breaths are erratic, cut by the sobs, and there's something in his eyes that overwhelms Theo. He carefully takes his wrist into his hands. Gabs is watching him with pleading eyes, and Theo squeezes him tighter. 

When he looks up, it's not Gabs anymore. It's himself. Dying there, choking blood, staring right back at him. 'Help me', he whispers. And, then, there are black veins running down his arm, _their_ arm, joining Theo's. But he doesn't feel the pain. He doesn't feel it.

He sees himself close his eyes, and stop moving.

* * *

 

Theo wakes up. 

He's in the bedroom of his apartment, surrounded by covers and pillows. he tries to sit, but his all body aches, and he stays still, laying down on the mattress. 

Liam appears suddenly at the entrance, and freezes when he sees Theo looking at him. 'Oh, thank God, you're awake', Liam exclaims, walking towards the bed. 'I was scared you overdosed or something, and you won't even heal...'

Theo closes his eyes, sighing.  _Great._ Now, it was impossible to make Liam leave. The kid was just too fucking stubborn. And all Theo wanted was to sleep. To lay down, stare at the ceiling, and just... Do nothing. It would be nice, but the person he had tried to run from is here, and Theo wants to hurt himself for being happy about it.

'Leave me alone', he says, his voice hoarse. He doesn't look at Liam. A long, tensed silence follows, and Theo cracks an eye open to see anger filling Liam's face.  _Amazing. Little beta Liam is going to make a crise._

'Are... Are you serious ?' Liam lets out, breathing sharply, and Theo can see with delight how it's still easy to piss Liam off. 'Yes, I'm serious. Can you leave now ?' Theo answers, and he enjoys seeing Liam trying not to explode.  _Come on, hit me._

'You call me in the middle of the night, you just say, like, "help me", and I was freaking the hell out of myself, because you wouldn't answer anymore, I didn't know where you were, and when I found you, you were unconscious, drugged and beaten. And you expect me to, just, leave ?'

'What do you expect me to say ?' Theo snaps. ' _Thank you_? The, thank you, Liam Dunbar, for everything !'

'I don't...', Liam inhales deeply, closing and unclosing his fists. 'I don't expect you to do anything.'

'Great !' Theo exclaims, sarcastic. 'Can you leave now ?'

He tries desperately to calm his heartbeats, but it's racing against his chest, like a bird trapped in a cage. He knows Liam can hear it, he knows it, and he sometimes wishes Tara  _did_ take his heart. 'Why are you acting like this ?' Liam says, speaking louder. 'Because of you !' Theo yells violently, and there's another silence. Liam is staring at him, with a weird expression, but Theo can't describe what it is. Shame ? Regret ? Incomprehension ?  
And he doesn't want to know. He's done with Liam, and everything that concerns him. He has to ignore the little voice saying "liar".

'You know what ? Forget about it.' Theo says, standing up, despite the awful pain running through his body at each move. 'I'm leaving, because you obviously won't'. He walks past Liam, without glancing at him. He's almost out of the room, when Liam talks. Theo freezes, a hand on the door's frame.

'I'm sorry.'

Theo is petrified, unable to do a thing. His heart stutters, missing a beat, and Theo finds himself mouths ago, when he wanted desperately to hear those words. And now that he's hearing them, that Liam is saying them, but it doesn't feel good. it feels like  _nothing._

'I'm sorry', Liam repeats. 'I used you to forget Hayden, and that's... That's unforgivable, I know. I feel so _awful_... I didn't mean to, okay ? It just... It happened, and I thought it would be easier, because you were you, and you didn't have a soulmate...'

He's not lying, Theo realizes, he's not lying, and it would have been less painful if he was. Theo's drowning, again, but this time, the water is filled by Liam's words, crashing against him, screaming inside his ears. 

'Is that why you're here ?' Theo finally asks, and he'd like to say his voice remained still and emotionless, except it's a lie. It's shaking, threatening to break. He wants to punch a wall for that ; he can't show any weakness. 'To ease your guilt ?'

'No', Liam replies, and Theo turns to him. There are tears in his blue eyes. 'I'm not here for myself. I'm here for you.' 

Theo stares at him, silent. He doesn't know what to say, what to do, what to believe.  _It won't work,_ he wants to tell Liam.  _It won't work, because we're too different. Because I'll always be the cold, manipulative killer in your eyes._ But, like every time, Theo doesn't say anything. He doesn't know how. 

Yet, he's always been good with words. Always found the right ones to piss people off, or to bring them to trust him. He always has the answer to everything. 

Except when it comes to his feelings. He doesn't know how to talk about it, how to find the right words to express them.  _You ruined me,_ he wants to yell,  _I opened up to you, and you took the opportunity to hurt me. You used me, consumed me and left me for dead. I feel dead. I feel nothing but the empty space you carved inside my chest. I feel worthless, like I don't deserve_ _anyone. And even if it's true, it doesn't hurt any less. You used me, like everything I've ever done for you meant nothing, because I'm nothing._

He feels a tear rolling on his cheek, and he wipes his face furiously. His heart is beating painfully inside his chest. 

'I thought you hated me', he only manages to say. 

'I hated you', Liam admits, taking a step towards him. 'I did, it's true, but I don't anymore. We... We can start with that. I don't care about Hayden, I don't care that you don't have a soulmate.'

Liam's face is so sincere that Theo turns away, unable to look at him. It's too painful. Everything is too painful. Liam takes another step, stopping just in front of him, but he doesn't touch him. 'What about the things I've done ?' He asks. He doesn't know why he tries to ruin everything, to push Liam away. Maybe he doesn't want to be hurt again. It's just a stupid defense mechanism, but at the end, he always ends up hurt. He creates chaos wherever he goes.

'I can't forget about them', Liam replies carefully. 'I can't, but I can get through them.'

Other tears flow down Theo's eyes, but he doesn't have the strength to wipe them off. 'It won't work', he whispers in a broken voice. 'It won't, and you know it.'

'I don't', Liam replies. 'We don't. So, please, give me a chance. Give me one chance to prove it to you'. Theo looks at him, and it feels like Liam's eyes are piercing right through him, reading into him. Like he sees him. Finally. Liam sees him, and that's everything Theo wanted. Months ago, when Liam would look at him, Theo felt like the other was looking past him, like he was invisible. 

And it hurts. Because Liam's eyes are burning him, destroying the walls he built to protect himself. And it's scary, to realize the power Liam has on him. 

'Let me prove to you we can work', Liam adds, desperately, almost begging. 'If I fail, then I'll go and I'll never disturb you again. If I don't, you... We'll see, we can go back to Beacon Hills, or... Just give me a chance.'

'Why are you doing this ?' Theo asks in a whisper. 'Because I need you', Liam answers. 'I need you'. Theo just looks at hi, and, swallowing back the lump in his throat, he nods.

* * *

 

Liam forces him to stay home instead of going to work, and Theo has to send to Joanie a text saying he's sick. Liam doesn't ask what happened the night Theo called him, nor does he talk about the fact that Theo isn't healing as quickly as he should be. He knows Liam will want to talk about it, but Theo isn't going to be the first to bring the subject on the table. 

It feels nice. To stay entirely days at home with Liam, just sitting on the couch and watching movies. It feels warm, domestic. 

_'Inside out_?' Theo says, furrowing. 'How old are you, seven ?'

'You're so funny', Liam answers sarcastically. 'Mason told me it was really good.'

'If Mason told you, then...', and Liam rolls his eyes, putting the movie on.

Yeah, it feels nice. Theo doesn't burn like he wanted once ; Liam is surrounding him with warmth, and Theo's melting. 

It's probably the closest he's been to be happy.

* * *

 

It's the third movie they watch, and Theo's exhausted. He gives up to the tiredness, laying down on the couch, resting his head next to Liam. He closes his eyes for a moment, until he feels himself be lifted, and Liam moving. He cracks an eye open. Liam has put his head on his lap. 'Sorry', the younger one says, 'too much ?'

Theo shakes his head, and lets Liam's hands travelling into his hair, taking strands between his fingers, softly. It feels so good, so warm, that Theo's afraid he might going to cry, so he closes his eyes again. 

It doesn't feel the same as before. Theo hasn't this sick feeling in his stomach, and he's not drowning. He lets Liam do what he wants, but this time, it's not... Abuse. This time, it's not because Theo wants to be destroyed, because he thinks it's the only thing he deserves ; this time, it's healthy. Theo lets him, because he  _wants_ to, because it makes him feel  _good._

It's not really comforting. At least, drowning and abuse are things he knows. It makes him wonder if he  _does_ want to feel alone and worthless.

* * *

 

Liam is kneeling in front of him, cleaning carefully the wounds and the purple marks on his stomach. Theo bites his lips, whining. 'You know you'll have to tell me what happened, eventually ?', Liam says. 'And why aren't you healing ? I thought it was because of the drugs you take, but there's no way it can still be in your system...'. Then, his eyes widen with comprehension, and Theo turns away, jaw tight. 'You're blocking it'.

Theo refuses to look at him, refuses to confirm it. Or deny it. 'Why ?' Liam asks, and it takes two minutes for Theo to answer. 'I just need to feel the pain', he finally answers in a whisper. Liam's eyes sadden, and Theo shakes his head. He knows Liam feels guilty, but he can't say to him  _it's okay, it's not your fault,_ because it is his fault. It is, and Theo can't forget it, exactly like Liam can't forget what Theo did. 

He feels hands on his jaw, soft and warm, and he looks up. Liam is close to him, a few inches only from him, and Theo stares at his face, at the curb of his eyebrows, the little scar on his forehead, the length of his eyelashes. If Liam's eyes were an ocean, Theo would be drowning in it. 

'Let yourself heal. Let go, okay ?', Liam whispers, barely audible, and leaned to kiss Theo. It's just lips against lips, but Theo feels warmth explode in his body. Liam's kisses were usually rough, tenderness,  _abusive._ But this, this is probably the best kiss Theo ever had. Because it's soft, innocent, and it makes him forget what Liam did to him, what Theo is.

So he does as Liam told him, he lets go. He stops blocking his powers, he stops blocking the chimera inside him, and, when Liam pulls away, Theo opens his eyes : he feels the ache and the pain disappear, and he sees the wounds closing slowly and the marks fade away.

Liam smiles to him, and Theo realizes that he can't remember the last time Liam smiles to him this way.

* * *

 

'It's painful', Liam says. They're laying on the sofa and Liam is drawing invisible spirals on Theo’s biceps. ‘What ?’ Theo asks. ‘Being the bad guy’, Liam answers, refusing to look at him, and it makes Theo snorts. ‘Yeah. It’s easy at first, right ? No one expects to suffer from it’.

’Was it for you ?’. There it is,  _the_ question, and, underneath it, the ugly, disturbing truth. Theo remembers Tra dragging him to hel, the awful pain when she rips his heart out, the terror, the tiredness of living the exact same thing over again.  _It’s okay, you don’t have to stop._

He remembers the way Liam will always see him : a heartless killer, and, suddenly, the skin of his wrist starts stinging. ‘It was’, he answers, looking at his arm, where there’s no name, and he has to turn away to hide the tears.

* * *

 

They’re laying in the bed, enjoying the first shined of the sun. Liam is caressing a scar that is still healing on his stomach. ‘You never told me what happened’, Liam whispers. Theo lays on his side, looking at him. ‘You really want to ?’, he asks, and the beta nods. 

Theo says, and lays on his back, arms crossed behind his head. Liam’s fingers are still on his skin, sending chills down his spine. 

‘I went to a party. I... ordered a drink, and then there was this guy who gave me a pill, and... we kissed, and danced, and I don’t really remember. I kind of drifted back and I realised that we weren’t at the party anymore. He started kissing me and undressing me, and I told him to stop, and... We fought. You know what happened next.’ 

Theo remembers how the world was spinning over and over again.  _That didn’t stop you last time, you slut._ ‘He didn’t...’, Liam lets out, his voice raspy and panicked, but Theo shakes his head. ‘He tried, but I think I screamed at some point, so he left’. 

There’s an uncomfortable silence following. ‘I’m sorry’, Liam says. Theo shakes his head, and, leaning in, he kisses him. Liam moans, parting his lips enough to let Theo’s tongue in. 

When they pull away, Theo clears his throat. ‘How did you find me, anyway ? I did a pretty good job at masking my traces. I exchanged my old truck for a new one, I bought a new phone...’. Liam smiles. ‘Honestly ?, and Theo nods. ‘Okay, so, in fact, I...’, but his phone buzzed, cutting him. He frowns, drifting away, and looks at the screen. ‘Shit’.

’What ?’ Theo asks, worried. ‘Scott is coming to Beacon Hills in three days. He doesn’t know I’m out of the town’, Liam explains. ‘I can.. I can take a plan tomorrow, and I’ll come back after he leaves’. 

‘Or I can drive you there’, Theo proposes. ‘You know... Come back to Beacon Hills’. 

Liam’s eyes widen. ‘You mean... definitely ?’ 

‘Yeah. I kinda came here to run away from you, so... there’s no point in staying anymore’. 

Liam smiles is so bright that Theo is almost blinded by it. He kisses him happily. 

‘Okay’, Theo mumbles against his lips, ‘but I have to say goodbye to a friend first’. 

* * *

 

So they invited Joanie and her daughter for diner. They ate pizzas in front of the television, watching movies for kids, and Theo couldn’t help but look at Liam and the way his face lightened when he was talking with Joanie about Game of Thrones. 

‘He’s really nice’, Joanie says. Theo looks up at her and stops doing the dishes. ‘And very cute’. 

Theo turns towards the living room. Liam is playing and laughing with Leah, and it’s a scene so warm and comforting that Theo almost doesn’t hear the click of the camera. 

‘What ?’ Joanie says, trying to sound innocent, putting her phone down when Theo arches en eyebrow. ‘They’re just so cute, you were so cute, and I love taking pictures of cute things’. She winks at him. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll send them to you. Hell, I’m going to miss you, Raeken’ 

Theo smiles, and they watch as Leah starts making little braids in Liam’s hair. 

‘Is it him ?’ Joanie asks. ‘Your soulmate you were running from ?’

Liam glances discretely at them, and Theo knows he heard. He remembers the roughness of Liam’s touch, and the way he kissed him two days ago. He remembers the pain and the suffering, the starve for care and warmth, and how Theo is now melting because of Liam. The Liam who used him isn’t here. He changed, disappeared, and now the only Liam present is soft, caring, gentle. 

(And it’s so unusual, anormal, that Theo sometimes wonders if his body, his soul, isn’t for the warmth and the love but for the scratches, the open wounds and the coldness) 

‘No’, Theo answers. ‘It’s not him’.

* * *

 

Theo feels something disturbs Liam. Not only because of the chemo signals (his anxiety and nervousness is filling the car. They’re almost arrived at Beacon Hills), but in the way his eyebrows are furrowing and his shoulders tensing. 

‘What’s wrong ?’, Theo asks him, and Liam sighs. ‘Is it because I told Joanie that you weren’t my soulmate ? Because I can explain...’ 

‘It isn’t that’, Liam answers, and his eyes meet Theo’s briefly, before he puts a hand on his hair. ‘There was something familiar in her. In her scent. And I kept wondering why, trying to find what seemed familiar, and then it hit me : it was your scent’. Theo turns away, his eyes not leaving the road. It’s dark, and there’s no one besides their car, but he needs a distraction from Liam’s face. ‘It was almost faded, but I recognised it. You slept with her, didn’t you ?’

’So what ?’, Theo snaps, his heart hammering against his chest. ‘It was before. We were both high and desperate, and you weren’t here. I’m sure you had fun too while I disappeared’. 

‘I didn’t !’, Liam exclaimed, anger starting to raise in him. ‘I was searching you !’

’Well I never asked you to’, Theo replies, angry too. 

‘Oh, yeah, because you were so fine without me, weren’t you ? Taking drugs, sleeping around, hurting yourself, alost being raped’. Theo’s fingers tighten around the steering wheel. ‘That was all because of you’, he answers. 

‘My fault ?’, Liam repeats. ‘I’m not the one who killed his own sister, killed his whole pack and who is so fucked up he doesn’t even have a soulmate !’ 

Theo stops the car abruptly on the side of the road, his claws digging into his palms.Liam is looking at him in horror. ‘Wait, I... It’s not...’

There it is. The truth about how Liam sees him. About the real reason Liam came. How could Theo be so stupid ? He promised himself he wouldn’t open up to Liam again, that he wouldn’t let him in. And he did the same mistake. He did the same mistake, and now he‘s left facing the huge wave of pain crashing against him, drowning him, pushing him down, deeper. ‘You fooled me well, didn’t you ?’ He lets out, laughing bitterly. ‘With your smiles, your kisses and your fucking “I need you”. You just wanted to be forgiven, because little McCall’s beta can’t have anything on his conscience, can’t he ? And you know what ? You’re forgiven’. He unlocks the doors. ‘Now get out’. 

‘What ?’ Liam exclaims, eyes widening. ‘Theo, please, I...’

’ _GET OUT !!_ ’, Theo yells, his eyes flashing gold, and Liam, afraid, opens the door and climbs off the truck. Theo switches the ignition on again and starts turning the car back on the road. 

He doesn’t see the car driving towards him. 

None of them does. 

It strikes Theo’s truck right on the driver’s side, in an awful sound of creased sheet metal. The truck rolls one, two, three times on itself, scritching, before slipping two meters on the ceiling and finally stopping. 

There’s a deadly silence, like the all night has stopped to watch the accident. 

Liam can’t hear anything. His ears are whistling, and his sight is blurry and ondulating. He feels like he’s going to throw up and faint. He doesn’t understand what is happening, his brain doesn’t register what he’s seeing. His legs lead him to the first car. The hood is completely broken down, and the driver is unconscious on the steering wheel, but seems unharmed. Liam checks his pulse with shaky hands, before pulling away and throwing up. It’s too much. Why is it too much ?

Liam breathes heavily, wiping his mouth. It takes him five seconds to regain his balance. The all world is spinning around him, over and over again. He looks up to the truck, a few meters far, and finds the strength to walk towards it. 

There are broken glasses and torn pieces of the truck leading to it, and, as he goes near, blood. He finally reaches the wreck, the silence becoming heavier.

He falls to his knees besides the driver’s door, and, by the broken window, he sees Theo. Still tied by the security bell. All bloody and covered by wounds.

‘Theo ?’ Liam calls, desperately, but Theo stays unresponsive. ‘You hear me ? I...’ his voice breaks. ‘I’m going to get you out of here, okay ? Just hold on’. He almost torns the door to open it, and rips the security belt, catching Theo and getting him out of the truck carefully and difficulty. 

He lies the other down on the ground, putting his head on his lap. Theo’s shirt is sweating of blood, and Liam looks down at his own hands ; they’re covered of it. There are too many red wounds, Liam doesn’t know where to press to stop the bleeding. He takes his phone out of his pocket, shaking, and dials 911. 

He stays there, in the middle of the road, trying desperately to stop Theo for bleeding to death. For dying because of him. 

 

> _Because I don’t have perfect features,_  
> 
> _Or eyes like oceans that you could drown in,_
> 
> _So I understand why you don’t love me_
> 
> _And I completely understand why you never will._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I’m horrible for writing happy things and just crashing everything down at the end. And for the AWFUL cliffhanger at the end.  
> Just so you understand : Liam didn’t really mean the things he said, he was just jealous and angry.  
> What did you think of this chapter ? Will Theo survive ?  
> And did you see ? Colton Haynes and Jeff Leatham got married !! Oh my god they’re just so cute together I love them **  
> Still waiting for Jeff Davis to announce Thiam is real


	4. schiamachy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the texts in italic are Theo's memories.

 

 

 

 

> **schiamachy** (n.)
> 
> _a batlle against imaginary enemies, fighting you shadow_

 

Liam watched as Theo’s dead sister appeared out of the ground and dragged him down back with her. He watched as Theo cried, begged for help. 

He watched as he used and destroyed Theo, until all it was left from the strong, manipulative, independant chimera, nothing. 

He watched the car crash against Theo’s, sending it roll onto the ground in a horrible sound. 

He watches the doctors and nurses put Theo, all bloody and still, in a stretcher and take him away. 

He’s standing in the middle of the waiting room, staring at nothing. He knows he must look awful, with his shirt and hands in blood, but he can’t bring himself to care. The picture of Theo, laying on the road, dying, burns in his head. It’s his fault. He was just angry to learn that Theo has been sleeping around , and before he even realised it, he was saying all those awful things to Theo. 

The doors open, and Liam sees another stretcher being pushed through the hall and disappear behind other doors. It’s the driver that stroke Theo, Liam recognised him. He just catches on of the doctors saying ‘he’s okay, just a concussion’, before they get too far for him to hear. 

He’s lost. He doesn’t know what to do. Theo can be dead by now, and he’s standing there, powerless. It’s probably the most powerless he’s ever been. 

His phone rings in his pocket. It takes him ten seconds to understand that he should answer. 

It’s Scott. 

‘Hey, Liam’, Scott says happily when the other finally takes the call. ‘I just got to your house, but your parents told me you were out of town for holidays, but you told you would be here, so-‘

’I’m at the hospital’, Liam answers in an empty voice, cutting him. He’s on the verge of tears. ‘Can... can you come ? Please, I... I don’t know what to do’. 

‘Okay, okay’, Scott says, sounding now worried. ‘I’ll be here in two minutes. Don’t move’, and Liam, throat too tight to thank him, hangs up. 

He puts his phone back in his jeans, wiping his eyes. He tries to ask the secretary about Theo, but they don’t know. 

Maybe Theo was right. Maybe they weren’t made for each other. 

 

* * *

 

_The balls are hitting the elevator without stopping, and it makes Theo wonder if those idiots know they’re only wasting munitions. Liam is out of breath next to him, and looking at him with wide eyes. ‘What are you doing here ?’ He exclaims, and Theo takes his beanie off and stucks it in his pocket. ‘I was jus asking myself the same thing’, Theo answers. He knows it’s a lie, but at least the gunshots are covering his heartbeats. ‘They still here ?’, he asks instead before Liam realises something, and Liam nods, biting his lips. Theo doesn’t know what to do, how to act, and before he realises it, he hears himself saying ‘look, I’m not dying for you’._

shut up,  _he scolds himself, but the words already slipped out of his mouth. Liam may not know it’s a lie, but Theo knows, and it’s scary, because he isn’t supposed to care for someone, he isn’t supposed to feel._

_‘I’m not dying for you either’, Liam replies, and Theo would like to say it doesn’t hurt, except it does, and before he knows it, his all world is rushed into pain._

* * *

 

_Liam smiles, walking towards him, raising his fist to bump Theo’s. It’s the fort time someone does that. It’s the first time treat him as a friend, and not a monster._

_But before they can even touch, there’s a sound of boots against the ground, and a the Ghost Riders appear at the end of the corridor. Theo looks at Liam, who’s standing still and ready to attack, and then back at the Ghost Riders._

”I’m gonna do exactly what you would do to me. I’m gonna use you as a bait”

”We’re both getting caught. You can do it while you’re running. I’ll go down fighting”

’Because while they’re busy wrapping a rope around your neck, I’ll be running in the other direction”

Run. Run. RUN.

_Theo rushes behind them, pushing desperately at the button a few times. Liam starts howling, eyes glowing gold, but the sound dies in his throat when Theo grabs him, dragging him to the elevator, and shoving him inside. ‘What are you doing ?’, Liam exclaims, looking shocked and panicked. Theo just smirks, as the doors close. ‘Being the bait’._

_’no !’, Liam yells, trying to get out of the elevator, but it’s too late._

_Theo doesn’t know why he did that. Liam never helped him, and he’s never going to thank him, even if Theo made him a favour._

_Because, let’s say the truth : Liam would never have used him as a bait._

 

* * *

 

‘Liam’, he hears Scott call, and he turns towards him. Scott’s eyes widen, filling with concern and shock. ‘Oh, God, you’re covered in blood !’He exclaims, staring at Liam’s now red clothes. ‘Are you okay ? What happened ?’, he adds, looking for injuries. Liam looks at him blankly, eyes staring to burn from the tears he desperately want to hide. ‘I... I...’, he stutters, his all body shaking. He doesn’t know how to form a coherent sentance, how to say the awful truth. ‘It’s Theo’, he manages to say, trying hard to explain to Scott, but his heart is hammering too loud in his chest, and the words die in his throat. 

‘Theo ?’, Scott repeats. ‘Did he do something to you ? He hurt you ?’. Liam shakes his head, his chest aching painfully. He can’t remember how to breathe. ‘No, you don’t understand’, he lets out, sharply. The sobs are tightening his throat. ‘It isn’t... it isn’t my blood’. Scott watches him worriedly. Liam knows what he’s thinking, that Theo betrayed them again, and it makes Lia want to cry even more. ‘I... it’s me. I ruined him, I...’. He falls on a chair, hiding his face in his hands, tears flowing down his cheeks. ‘I ruined him’, he repeats, despair and Liam choking him. ‘I ruined him’.

 

* * *

  

Theo.

_Again. He wakes up in the morgue, laying inside one of the drawers. Everything feels cold. He has to punch the opening a few times to crawl out of it._ Theo.  _He runs. He gets out of the room, rushing into the corridors, trying to find a way to leave the hospital, but she always finds him, and pins him against the ground, and takes his heart. He sees Tara’s face, and that’s it._

_’it’s okay... you don’t have to stop’_

_But this time, he doesn’t wake up surrounded by cold. He’s floating into the dark, and he sees a light above his head. He tries to join it, because it’s the only thing he can do. He pulls himself to it, until he feels rock faces around him, but he doesn’t stop. He’s too scared, too relieved to have a chance to escape the endless horror his sister makes him live._

_Then, breathing heavily, his heart threatenning to explode, he pulls himself out. He feels the ground, dusty, flat, against his hands, nothing alike the hospital’s._

_The first thing he sees is a silhouette, his height, brown hair, but he doesn’t think much about it. His instinct takes over, the coyote’s one, the one who wants, needs to survive, and he rushes towards the silhouette? Pinning him against the wall, an arm across the throat. ‘Where’s my sister ?’, he asks, looking around him, expecting her to appear out of nowhere. Having an hostage is maybe the only chance he has ; even if she’s so willing to kill him, she maybe won’t be with someone else._

_‘Your sister’s dead’, the person says. Theo knows this voice. He knows it. He knows who it belongs to. He knows this body, those eyes. ‘She died a long time ago’._

_Liam. Liam Dunbar. Liam, Scott’s beta. Liam, the werewolf with anger issues, who Theo tried to manipulate. Liam, who helped the others sending him to hell._

_Liam, with the baby blue eyes and the innocent face._

_Who’s more human than he’ll ever be._

 

* * *

 

_‘Are you okay ?’. Theo looks up to Liam. Theo’s sitting next to Gabe’s dead body, but that doesn’t bother him. He’s himself half dead on the inside, right ?_

_He feels hollow. Like the pain he took, that he desperately wanted, carved a hole in his chest, a dark, empty hole. Like Tara did._

_Theo arches an eyebrow at Liam. ‘I mean you took his pain, and...’, the werewolf stutters, hesitant, trying to find his words. ‘It’s, like, surprising, you know, and...’_

_Theo feels himself get angry at this. He knows Liam is right, that he doesn’t mean it in the wrong way, but the instinct that tells him that he can’t show any weaknesses doesn’t let him calm down ; he already made himself vulnerable. He has to stop it, to be back under control, his emotions suppressed again. ‘Why ?’, he replies, bitterly, ‘because I’m a monster ?’. Liam draws back, shock painting on his face. He shakes his head. ‘No, it’s not... I didn’t mean it like that’._

_’Well, I don’t care, so... walk away’, Theo says, and anger flashes in Liam’s eyes. He tightens his fists. ‘I was trying to be nice’, he lets out, and Theo rolls his eyes. ‘Well, you failed, dumbass’. Liam breathes sharply, like he’s truing hard not to strangle him. ‘Fuck you, Theo’._

_Theo almost flinches._

 

* * *

 

_The thing Theo loves the most in his life, and it’s probably the only thing, is the fact that he can full shift. He loves being a wolf, running into the woods restlessly, letting himself be overwhelmed by all the scents and the sounds. Being a wolf is easy. Easier than being a human._

_It’s been two days since he told Liam he doesn’t have a soulmate. He doesn’t want to think about it, about the expression of Liam’s face. Ignoring is better, and ignoring it while being a wolf is easier, because the only thing Theo has to worry right now is to catch this fucking rabbit._

_But suddenly, the animal raises his head, and before Theo can jump to kill it, he has disappeared. Theo scratches the ground with his claws in frustration. The night is calm, clear, fresh ; Theo can hear the chant of the crickets into the forest, the happy sound of a river, sole frogs, and the shivers of the copses. He’s ready to go after another animal, when he catches a scent : something, who’s definitely not an animal, is rushing in his direction. So Theo runs, not because he’s afraid (whatever this is, he knows he can take it) but because he really isn’t in the mood to get in a fight._

_His pursuiver hits him right in the side, making both of them roll on the ground. Theo shifts back in the fray, trying to push the other off him. His heart is beating loudly in his chest, and when he finally does, he retreats back, eyes glowing, ready to defend himself, until he recognises the person in front of him. ‘Liam ?!’ He exclaims, angry and surprised. Liam raises his hands in an attempt of peace. ‘Sorry, I wanted to talk to you’, he explains._

_‘All call would have been enough’, Theo replies furiously._

_‘You weren’t answering’, Liam says_ _calmly. Theo rolls his eyes, annoyed._

_‘Have you ever seen a wolf answering the damn phone ?’._

_‘You’re not an actual wolf, you know’. Answer it hurts a sore spot inside of him. He knows Liam meant it in the way “you’re not an animal”, but Theo can’t stop himself from hearing “you’re a bit real wolf, you’re a chimera, an abomination”._

_‘Okay, what do you want to tell me ?’, Theo sighes. Liam flushes, looking suddenly embarrassed._

_‘Cam we talk when you’re more... decent ? Clothed ?’, he asks, and Theo snorts, smirking. He knows he’s naked, but he doesn’t really care. ‘Why ? Am I making you uncomfortable ?’. Liam’s face reddens. ‘Shut up’._

_‘God, don’t be such a pussy. No wonder why Hayden broke up with you. Couldn’t hiver her proper orgasms, huh ?’. He knows he’s being a bitch, but he feels the need to be one. He’s on the edge, and he’s feeling the irrational urge to hurt and push everyone away._

_Liam’s all body tenses, and Theo feels bad almost instantly. ‘Sorry, I didn’t...’, he starts, but Liam cuts him. ‘Why do you need to be such an ass ?’, he yells, threatenning, walking towards him, and Theo flinches away. ‘I’m sorry, really. Seriously, leave me alone, I don’t...’_

_He expects Liam to throw a punch at his face, but his body is pressed between a tree and Liam’s body._

_Liam has soft lips and a warm mouth, and that takes Theo over the edge. He grips at the beta’s hips, parting his own lips, and Liam sucks on his tongue, fingers brushing roughly against his jaw. Theo’s heart is hammering loudly against his chest, and he knows they can both hear him, but he can’t bring himself to care. Liam Dunbar is kissing him, right now, kissing him like he’s his everything. But he wasn’t. Theo confounded roughness and passion, and this... this wasn’t passion. This was some messed up revenge, and he had been stupid not to see it._

_Liam bites one more time at his bottom lip, before pulling away._

_Theo should have known, by watching him walk away and disappear without a look behind, that something was wrong._

* * *

 

 

Scott is taking over the phone, and sending worried glances at him. Liam knows he must be convincing the others not to come (even if he’s sure Scott won’t have to insist to much), and really, this kind of thoughts isn’t helping. Scott’s mother is busy with another patient (on what earth would she help saving the body who tried and did kill her son ?), but Liam’s step dad has patted his son’s shoulder and said he was going to see how things went for Theo. 

‘You want coffee ?’. Liam’s shakes his head, he feels like if he swallows something, he’ll throw up. Scott sighes. ‘Liam, you need to tell me what happened’. Liam looks at him briefly, before mumbling. ‘Car accident’. 

‘I already know that. Come on, you know you can tell me everything’. 

Liam takes a deep breath, closing his eyes, scratching at Hayden’s name on his wrist. 

‘I made a mistake’, he finally whispers, still without looking at Scott. ‘A big, big mistake’. He breathes again, trying to calm down. ‘I used him. To forget Hayden. And... and I thought it would be easier, because he’s Theo, and that he doesn’t have a soulmate, but...’

’Wait, Wait a second. You mean that his soulmate is dead ?’ Scott asks. Liam can feel that he’s thinking at his dead soulmate, Allison, whose name is now white on Scott’s wrist, but he shakes his head. 

‘No, he... he just doesn’t have one. That’s why I thought it was okay, but it wasn’t. I wanted to stop the minute it started, but I didn’t. And I felt so awful, for doing that to him, and, one day... he just disappeared. I found him after two mounths in Seattle, completely fucked up. That’s why I was out of town, to apologise. And, when we were driving back to Beacon Hills, I... We both got mad, and I said this horrible things to him, and then he told me to get out of the car, and then...’

Scott puts a hand on his shoulder, stopping him from saying more and lose control. Liam takes a deep breath, trying to ease the painful ache in his chest. Why does it so much ? 

‘Liam’, he hears his father call him. He looks up at the man, waiting for him to talk, anxious, and the expression on his father’s face doesn’t relieve him. Because his father looks awfully sad and defeated. 

‘The doctors did everything they could. He’s badly hurt : he’s got broken ribs and bones, a nasty concussion and an intern bleeding. Honestly, it’s not good at all’, he concludes. 

‘What do you mean ?’, Liam asks, trying to keep hope. ‘Is... is he going to be okay ?’. 

He gets his answer before his father even starts replying. Scott is behind him, listening, and Liam can feel his confusion and concern. ‘Honestly, I... I don’t think he’s going to make it’. 

_I don’t think he’s going make it._

_I don’t think he's going to make it._

_I don’t think he’s going to make it._

_He’s not going to make it._

 

* * *

 

_‘You really are an idiot‘, Joanie says, cleaning the wound and the birth skin. Theo’s sitting on the compter, letting her do. ‘God, you’re wrist is a mess. You sure you don’t want to get to the hospital ? Because I’m not a nurse, like, not at all. I’m probably killing you, for what I know’, she adds. Theo snorts at that. ‘You’re doing good’, he replies. ‘You’re not killing me. Or then you sucks at it as much as being a nurse’. Joanie rolls her eyes. ‘Right, because you know something about killing people ?’, she mocks, sarcastic. Theo looks up briefly at her, tensing, and he wants to tell her he’s the most dangerous thing in the room, but he doesn’t._

_Yes, he knows something about killing people. He knows more than he wants._

_But right now, the only person he’s killing is himself._

 

* * *

‘Why isn't he healing ?’.

Liam stares at Scott helplessly, his heart beating painfully in his chest, his father’s words echoing in his head. ‘Even if he’s badly hurt, he should be healing, right ? I mean, he’s a chimera’, Scott adds, and Liam buries his face in his hands. 

‘He doesn’t want to’, he murmurs. ‘He’s bucking his powers. Probably on instinct, but he...’ the words burn his throat. He wants to throw up. This is his fault. 

At first... Theo was an enemy, enemy who became his responsibility, when Liam took him out of the ground. Then, at the hospital, he was an ally. An ally he definitely couldn’t trust, but who saved his life more than once. Ally. Friend.  _Lover._

_Lover._ That’s what Theo is. A lover. His lover. Lover he was supposed to love. Not destroy. 

‘He wants to die’, he finally lets out.

It feels like someone is ripping his heart out of his chest. 

 

* * *

 

 

_Liam’s lips are warm against Theo’s. They’re kissing restlessly, hands trying to touch as many skin as possible. Husband heart is beating at the same time as Liam’s, both going crazy. The movie is long forgotten, playing on the background, but none of them bothers to turn it off. Theo’s hands find the gem of Liam’s shirt, trying to take it off. Liam pulls away, helping him, and throws the cloth on the floor, before pressing their mouths hungrily back. Each one is fighting for dominance, because it’s one of the things they’re best at : fighting. This fight isn’t toxic and violent and angry ; it’s hot and passionned and perfect. Theo moans when Liam lets his claws brush the long of his spine, sending shivers of pleasure in his body. God, it feels so good..._

_Liam bites at Theo’s bottom lip, and Theo, surprised, opens his mouth ; Liam profites of it and finally wins the battle. He passes a leg over Theo’s hips and sits in his lap, deepening the kiss, his hands travelling in Theo’s hair._

I-I’m not like the others. I can’t take your pain. 

_What ? No. Theo blinks, gripping at Liam’s shoulders when Liam sucks his neck. Focus on Liam. Focus on Liam. Liam. LIAM._

There’s something else you can do for me. You can give me your powers. 

_No, no, no. He doesn’t want to remember. He doesn’t want to._

_But it’s too late. He already remembers the way he sighed his claws inside Tracy’s back. How she screamed in pain. How he diged harder._

Theo, stop !

_He remembers the way she got still, dead on his lap. The way he felt her powers pass in his body. The way he laid down on the ground, exhausted, her dead body pressed against his._

_He remembers the way Deucalion's voice echoed._

And then there were no one. 

_He pushes Liam off him violently. His heart is racing against his chest, panicked. He looks around him, trying to find a way out, but the memory is repeating itself in front of his eyes, like an endless record. He closes his eyes, hiding his face in his hands, covering his ears, but the voices and the pictures don't stop. They fill his ears, his head, his body._ Leave me alone. Leave me alone, leave me alone, alone, alone. 

_Someone touches his shoulder. He flinches away, his instinct immediately taking over._ Don't touch me. Don't touch me, me, me.

_He runs. He leaves the living-room, ignoring Liam's calls, and shuts himself in the bathroom, sinking to the ground._

_'Leave me alone', he whispers, curled up on himself, swinging back and forth. 'Leave me alone. Leave me alone'._

_Alone._

 

* * *

 

 

A coma. Theo is in a coma. Or, more precisely, is dying. The doctors stabilized him enough to put him in a room, but Liam knows he won't be stable long. He can feel death all over Theo.

He can't take his eyes off him. Theo looks like he went to hell and back, which is the case, but he looks awful. His all face and neck and arms are covered in red wounds and black and purple bruises (and that's only the skin Liam can see ; he can only imagine what is hiding under the sheets). His eyes are closed, and there aren't the injuries and the bandages, Liam would think he's asleep. except he isn't. He's unconscious, dying, and there's nothing Liam can do. He can't brink him back, he can't call him... He's powerless. 

'Can't we do something ?', Liam finally asks, looking at Deaton. The veterinary is checking Theo's pulse, opening his eyelids, observing the wounds. He pulls away, sighing, looking slightly concerned. 

'Every human would have died immediately in the crash', Deaton answers carefully, choosing his words, 'but Theo's a chimera. You told me he was blocking his dealings, but his body stays strong. He didn't die during the accident, but if he's restraining himself from healing... He can still die from the wounds'. 

'What if I bite him ?', Scott says, suddenly. Liam turns towards him, surprised. 'I mean... It worked on Hayden. She healed by becoming a werewolf, so it could work on Theo, right ?'.

'Hayden was awake, and she wanted it', Deaton answers calmly, shaking his head. 'Theo is in a coma, and he probably doesn't want it. If you bite him, his body will reject it and he will die'. 

'Then how do we save him ?', Liam exclaims. 'How do we brink him back ?'.

'He's stuck in himself, Liam', Deaton explains. 'You can't just brink him back like that'.

'Wait, like Stiles was with the nogitsune ?', Scott asks. 

'The nogitsune was blocking Stiles. There, Theo's blocking himself. It's not exactly the same thing. To bring him back, we have to... Convince him to'. 

'Then I could go inside his head. Like you did with Meredith', Liam proposes, 'but you know, to convince him'. 

'It's dangerous, Liam', Scott replies, warning. 

'Well he's already dying !', Liam exclaims, anger filling his chest. He takes a deep breath; trying to calm down, but he's panicked. 'If there's a chance it can save him, then I'm willing to take it. Just tell me what to do'. 

Scott stares at Liam a few moments, like he's trying to evaluate the situation, and then he nods. 'Okay. Okay, put your claws out'. 

Liam obeys, impatient and anxious. He knows he can't mess this up. He saw how it got Lydia a simple way to Eichen House. 

Scott takes Liam's hands, guiding him behind the bed, and Deaton lifts Theo in a sitting position. 

Liam's claws brush lightly against Theo's skin. He swallows the lump in his throat, fear starting to rise in him. He needs to focus. He looks at Scott, and nods. 

'Don't flinch', is all the alpha say, and the next thing he knows, his claws are digging in fresh flesh, and the darkness overwhelms him. 

When it got clearer, he finds himself calling Theo through a closed door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... As you can see, Liam didn't mean what he say at all, and really care about Theo. Is he going to bring him back ?  
> What did you think of that chapter ? Only one left ! ^^ I'll post it next week, or maybe in two weeks.   
> Tell me what you thought of it !


	5. cingulomania

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter

 

 

 

 

 

> _**cingulomania**_ (n.)
> 
> a strong desire to hold someone in your arms.
> 
>  

'Theo'

It feels real. It's the first time he does it, going into someone's head. He's seen Scott do it, but he never asked what it was like ; he just... imagined a dark room where you'd talk to the other. 

It's not that, just so you know. Not that at all. It's like... A memory. From both  Theo and Liam, because he recognizes it. They're in Theo's apartment, in Seattle, two days before Scott texted Liam. 

'Theo', Liam hears himself say again. 'Please, talk to me'. He doesn't hear anything besides the erratic 'leave me alone' Theo's mumbling. 

They were kissing. Liam remembers that. They were kissing and Theo freaked out and locked himself inside the bathroom. 

'I'm sorry if I hurt you, okay ?', Liam sighed. He could rip the door open, but he doesn't want to scare Theo more than he already has. 'Let me come in, please'. There's no answer. No sign that proves him that Theo is going to open the door ; not even that he heard what Liam said. 

He bites his lips in frustration, banging at the door one more time, before pulling away, ready to leave. 

_Everything is wrong with me !_

_Help me._

_Is that why you're here ? To ease your guilt ?_

_You don't give a shit about me !_

_It won't work._

_You, fucking Liam Dunbar, is wrong with me !_

_I just need to feel the pain._

_You fooled me well, didn't you ?_

_Help me._

_You just wanted to be forgiven, because little McCall’s beta can’t have anything on his conscience, can’t he ? And you know what ?_

_Help me._

_You're forgiven._

_He wants to die._

_Help me._

He remembers what happened that day. He gave up. He ran, because he was scared, because he didn't understand. He left Theo fight his own demons alone, without thinking that, maybe, he could have helped. They were both too selfish, too arrogant to see that it was okay not to be strong sometimes. They were both too blind to see that it wasn't being vulnerable ; violence was the only way of talking they knew, and maybe that's what ruined them both. 

They need each other. Liam needs Theo as much as Theo needs him, because that's how it is. 

Liam understands, now. He understands what he messed up. He understands how much they were toxic, how much they didn't fit. He understands why. 

'I'm sorry', he lets out, breathing sharply. 'I'm sorry, for everything I did to you. I used you in the most awful way, and I destroyed you. I hurt you, again and again, and I'm so sorry for that, okay ? It was my fault. You were right. And now here you are, dying because I made you hate life more than you already do, and here am I, trying to make you come back. I want you to come back, Theo, I... I want you. Soulmates or not, bad past or not, I want you. I don't care what everyone would say. I need you, and you need me too'.

He stays breathless, waiting for something to happen, for Theo to open the door, or to talk. He waits, his heart hammering against his chest, he waits, until he doesn't know if it's been seconds or hours. 

'I'm not going', he murmurs, closing his eyes. 'You need me'. 

 

* * *

 

Liam is there, banging, asking him to talk to him, but Theo can't. He's paralyzed, unable to move, unable to say a word. The voices are screaming against his ears, full of sorrow and revenge. Tara's, Tracy's, the Dead Doctors', Liam's. They're all telling him things he doesn't understand. Maybe he just can't. 

He waits for Liam to walk away, exactly like he did that day. He waits for him to give up, to leave him alone, to just... go. Like he told him so. And he wants him to keep asking him, to stay. 

He doesn't know what he wants. 

But Liam talks again. He doesn't leave, he speaks like there's a fire in his chest, like he's burning, like he wants his words to burn too. And Theo with it. 

'I'm sorry. I'm sorry, for everything I did to you. I used you in the most awful way, and I destroyed you. I hurt you, again and again, and I'm so sorry for that, okay ? It was my fault. You were right. And now here you are, dying because I made you hate life more than you already do, and here am I, trying to make you come back. I want you to come back, Theo, I... I want you. Soulmates or not, bad past or not, I want you. I don't care what everyone would say. I need you, and you need me too'. 

He pauses for a moment. His voice is so soft it hurts. 'I'm not going. You need me'.

And now Theo's burning. He's burning exactly the way he wanted to. He's burning so much that he finally stops feeling the cold ghost of hell on his skin and the grip of his dead sister's hands. He's finally free. He could just... Keep this burning, selfishly. And go. 

But Liam didn't. Not this time, and he's waiting for Theo behind the door. he's the one that made him drown, but he's also the one that makes him burn right now. 

Theo remembers the frozen shines, the open wounds and the scratches he got at first. He remembers the dull ache, the crave for more, and the yet painful un-satisfaction. He remembers the way he was consuming into ashes, struggling to keep his head above the water.

_Fuck you, Theo._

_What is wrong with you ?_

_I'm sorry._

_Oh, yeah, because you were so fine without me, weren't you ?_

_I didn't mean to, okay ?_

_I need you._

_No one wants you when you have no heart._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm not the one who killed his sister, his own pack, and who us so fucked up that he doesn't have a soulmate !_

_I hated you._

_No wants you when you have no heart._

_I'm not going._

_Does it matter ?_

_YOU NEED ME_

He remembers. He remembers what if feels like, to lose himself completely, to be empty and cold. He remembers it felt like he was dying on the inside. 

He remembers what it feels like to be put back together. He remembers what warmth means. He remembers the way he was melting. 

He looks up. He's in the bathroom, sitting on the ground.  _You need me._

He reaches out for the door, and opens it. 

Then there's nothing.

 

* * *

 

Liam is violently pushed away. He opens brutally his eyes, panicked, panting. Someone pushed him off Theo. 'What the fuck did you do that ?' He yells, trying to join Theo again, but Scott doesn't let him. 'The hell, Scott ? Let me go !'. 

'Stop, Liam !', Scott screams too. 'Don't you see ! Listen ! You were killing him !'

Then Liam hears it. The long, terrifying and deadly beep of the cardiogram. Of Theo's heart. Heart that isn't beating anymore. 

Doctors storm into the room, yelling things he doesn't understand. Liam lets Scott and Deaton pull him out, but he doesn't miss the pale, so pale color of Theo's bruised skin. He stays outside, in the corridor, staring helplessly at the door. 

'I don't understand', he lets out, and, he really doesn't. Theo had opened the door. He saw it, he was sure of it. Theo opened the door. 'I told you it was dangerous', Scott answers sadly, but Liam shakes his head. 'No, no, I... It was working', he answers, desperately.  _I saw the door opening._ 'It...'

'His heart stopped, Liam', Scott says. 'I don't know what happened, but... his heart stopped. Maybe he was too weak for that'. He pats his shoulder gently. 'We should go, get you some fresh clothes. We'll come back. My mom will check on him and tell us, alright ?'

Liam doesn't want to. He told Theo, he promised to him he would stay. He can't just... leave. Theo needs him. 

'Liam', Scott calls him, again. 'It's up to them now'. His brown eyes are an ocean of sadness. 'You can't do anything anymore'. 

 

* * *

 

_Theo._

He wakes up. There's light everywhere, all white and pure and bright. It takes him a moment to get used to it. He looks around him, but there's nothing. Where's Liam ?  
He's just laying in the light. It feels weird, but calm. 

'Theo'. He looks up, startled. Tara is sitting in front of him, smiling, her dark hair not hiding her face, wearing a grey sweater and jeans. Theo would have immediately run, terrified, but he's feeling strangely peaceful. He stays sit, watching her. She's beautiful. If Theo hasn't killed her, she would probably be in college, making everyone turn to look at her. 'Hello, brother', she says.

'Where are we ?', he asks, looking around him once again. 'I don't know', she answers. 'What do you think it is ?'. 

'I don't know', he also replies. 'Where's Liam ?'. Liam promised him he would stay. Why didn't Theo find him ?

She smiles. 'Alive'. 

'What does that mean ? Am I dead ?', and it scares him, that the thought makes him happy. 'Almost', Tara tells him. 'It's kinda up to you, now. Do you want to live ?'

Theo feels his throat tightening. He opened the door, because he wanted to live, to join Liam, but Liam isn't here. 'I don't know'.

'Why ? You could have an happy life'.

'Then come with me', he says. She shakes her had, smiling in a so, so sad way. 'Oh, honey. It doesn't work that way'. 

Theo feels the hot tears against his eyelashes. He blinks, chasing them away. 

'You could say with me', Tara talks again, almost in a desperate voice, almost begging. 

'Where ? Here ?', he asks. Her face saddens even more. 'You know the answer, brother'. 

'In hell', he whispers, nodding. Of course. Why would he deserve something else ? Hell is for him. It will always be for him. 

'At least we'll be together'

Theo feels the tears burning his eyes again. He almost prefers hell than this, yet. Hell means blood, fear, death and cold and drowning. He knows those feelings. Hell he can deal with. But this ; the gentleness and the emotions, he can't. He doesn't know how. 

He closes his eyes. 'Tara', he whispers, and reaches out of her. But all he touches is nothing. He opens his eyes. 

He's alone.

 

He wakes up, again. He's struggling to breathe, trying to fill his lungs with air, but there are wires chocking him. He coughs, sitting, desperately attempting to put them off, but he can't, and he panicks even more. Where is he ? Where the hell is he ?

'Hey, hey. Calm down, kid'

He looks around, eyes widening, panting, and his sight becomes a little clearer. There's a face in front of his, a hand on his shoulder. Warm features, brown eyes. Melissa McCall. Scott's mother. She's a nurse, she's... They're in the hospital. What is happening ? _What is happening ?_

'Theo, you need to calm down. I'm going to put them off, but calm down, okay ?'. He stares at her, unable to obey, and she sighed, before gently removing all the wires, freeing him. He's left breathless, black spots hiding his vision. He grips at the sheets. It feels like his chest is going to explode, like his  _heart_ is going to explode. 

His heart. His heart, heart,  _heart._

Melissa is watching, carefully. He pulls the covers off him, getting out of the bed, and stumbling. The pain is overwhelming, every one of his muscles are screaming for him to stop, but he can't. He almost falls, but he grips at the all, trying to get to the door. 

'hey, hey, where do you think you're going ?' Melissa exclaims. 'You need to heal, you...'

She tries to touch him, to guide him back towards the bed, but Theo doesn't want to be touched. He wants to leave. He... He has to leave. So, at the moment her fingers brush against his skin, he turns to her in a quick move and hits her at the head. She collapsed to the ground, unconscious. 

He arches, crying in pain. The mutation is painful ; it feels like his bones are breaking, like his all body is suddenly exploding. He lets out a long complaint, feeling the structure of his organism change completely. His legs shrink, his hands and feet become paws, his nails claws. His face stretch, his teeth grow and become sharp. 

He’s a wolf. The transformation leaves him shaking and aching. He stumbles a little, and lets out a long howl. The sound claws his throat, and soon he feels blood on his tongue. 

He remembers what Liam said.  _I’m dying._

But he doesn’t want to die here. Not in this place, not in this hospital that holds all his nightmares. 

He knows where to go. He knows where to die. 

 

* * *

 

Liam sighs, taking the bloody and dirty shirt off, his pants, and putting fresh water on his face. He wants to go to the hospital now, because he doesn’t understand how he could leave it. 

He pulls the clean clothes that Scott gave him and looks at his reflect in the mirror. He looks quite awful. There’s still blood on his face, and his blue eyes are staring blankly at himself. He puts an hand through his hair, sighing again. He’s a mess. 

Theo opened the door. Liam is sure of that. He saw the lock turn and the handle going down. He saw the door opening a little, and then he was back in the room. 

Why did Theo’s heart stop ? 

Why did... 

A long howl interrupts him. He frowns immediately, rushing out of the bathroom, trying to listen, but the howl fades and stops. It’s a painful, hurt one. Like it’s asking to be achieved. 

Liam goes down. Scott is standing, looking concerned. 

‘Was it you ?’ Liam asks, but Scott shakes his head. 

‘No. It was coming for somewhere else’, he replies.

’Theo’, Liam says. Scott stares at him like he lost his mind.

‘What ? No, it can’t be him. How could he find the strength to... Liam ! Liam, wait !’, he calls for him, but Liam is already out.

It’s Theo. He’s sure of it. He never heard him howl, but he could recognise him. It’s him. He’s alive. 

 

* * *

 

 

When Theo finally arrives at the bridge, his all body is screaming for him to slow down, to rest, to let him time to heal, but Theo doesn’t listen. 

There’s snow under his paws, cold and at the same time soft. The all forest seems quiet, like the snow makes it silent, cuts it from the rest of the world. It feels good. It feels peaceful.

It feels like the perfect place to die. 

The snow mutes the forest, and it also mutes his emotions. There’s a just the pain, but he knows the pain. He can deal with it. 

He shifts back to human, and he’s left naked and shaking from the cold and the ache. He coughs, again, and with the little white cloud that escapes through his lips, there’s also blood. It slips on his chin and his fingers, to the ground, and the bright white snow is now red. 

That’s it. He destroys everything he touches, everything he sees. Everything he likes. From his family to the snow. 

He stumbles towards the river. The water is awfully cold, brushing against his skin, sending shivers down his spine, but he forces himself to ignore it, and sinks deeper into it. 

It’s almost as cold as hell. Almost. Good. 

When he’s arrived at the middle of the river, when he’s got water to his chest, he stops, and looks at the bridge, just above him. He can almost see himself throw white flowers.

But it’s not like that anymore. He’s at the same place as Tara was when she died, and she is at his place, watching him die, except he can’t see her and he doesn’t ask her help. What would that do ? She won’t help him. They both know that. 

‘You can have it’, he finally whispers, frozen tears rolling down his cheeks, touching his chest where his heart is beating. ‘You can have it back’, he repeats. ‘You happy ? You can have all of it !’. 

But nothing happens. He’s just freezing inside the water, with warm blood on his lips. ‘Come on !’ He yells. ‘What the fuck are you waiting for ?’. 

No one answers him. He wants a hand to appear from the depth of the river, to grip at him and drag him down, but nothing happens. Nothing. 

‘Come on’, he begs in what almost sounds like a sob. ‘Please. Kill me’. 

The pain is eating him from the inside. He’s choking on it, on his blood, on the heartbeats he desperately wants to stop. 

‘Theo’ 

Something breaks inside him when he hears that voice. He know from who it is. 

But then, there are arms wrapping around him, gentle and warm, fingers against his skin, sending burning sensations to his cells. Theo doesn’t resist ; he doesn’t have the strength to run away once more. He lets him pull him out of the cold water, and back to the ground. He keeps his eyes down, on his bloody fingers. He coughs again. 

‘It’s okay’, Liam whispers. ‘It’s okay’. 

‘You’re here’, Theo just says. He looks at him, and he is faced by two baby blue eyes. The colour he was so craving for. 

‘I’ll always be here’, Liam answers. There are tears in his eyes too. ‘Focus on me, alright ?’ 

Theo is mesmerised by his eyes. He doesn’t reply, he just looks at him. Liam is against him, and even if Liam is fully clothed, it feels like his skin is bare to Theo’s. 

But the pain is still here. It’s still filling his head with dark and dirty thoughts. 

‘I’m cold’, Theo murmurs, his head feeling heavy. 

‘I know’, Liam says, almost in a desperate way. He brings Theo even closer, not caring that the chimera is completely naked. ‘It’s gonna be okay’. 

Theo nods, blinking to keep his eyes open. The urge to let go and sleep is overwhelming him. But Liam is here, and Theo doesn’t want to take his eyes off him. 

Bit he can feel everything slowing down. He can feel his sight beginning to blur. 

Until he doesn’t feel his heart hammering in his chest. 

‘My heart’, he mumbles. ‘I can’t feel it’. He feels slightly panicked. No, not yet. He doesn’t wanna leave yet. 

Concern and fear are filling Liam’s eyes, and Theo realises the other is shaking. He realises that Liam, this time, had no idea what to do. 

Liam grips at Theo’s hands, and brings it to his chest, at the left. Theo looks at him, eyelids heavier. It’s getting harder to stay awake. 

It’s getting harder to stay alive. 

‘Do you feel it ?’ Liam says, but Theo doesn’t understand. ‘Do you feel it ?’, Liam insists. Theo shakes his head. 

‘Focus on me, Theo. On my heartbeats. _Focus._ Can you hear it ?‘

Theo obeys, And, after a few moments, he can feel Liam’s heart, weak and yet strong, pounding. He nods, and Liam sighes in relief. He digs Theo’s nails inside his chest, pressing his hand against his chest like he want Theo to be inside of it, and puts his own other hand on Theo’s bare chest. 

‘Can you hear it ?’, he asks again. Theo feels tears again. He mumbles a little ‘yes’. 

‘Then _feel_ it’, Liam says. ‘Feel it, feel me’. He brings their foreheads together, and Theo can feel Liam’s breath against his face, hot and comforting. They breathe together, they breathe the same air, at the same pace and at the same time. 

Like Liam is breathing life again through him. 

‘Feel it’, Liam whispers again, looking directly at Theo, his eyes piercing right through him, through his mind. 

Theo closes his eyes. 

He breathes with Liam. Again. In and out. In and out. One. Two. In and out. Three. 

At the fourth time, he almost hears it. It’s more a ghost than anything, but Theo grabs at it. He keeps breathing, focusing at Liam’s warmth, at his arms. 

In. Out. Five. Six. Seven. In and out. _Feel it._  

At the eighth time, he finally feels it. He feels Liam. He feels Liam’s heart hammering inside his chest. He feels the cold snow under him, the breeze on his hair, the sounds of the forest. 

He feels everything. 

He feels his heart.

He feels his heart beating again. 

He opens his eyes. Everything is different. The snow is more white. The sky clearer. 

Liam’s eyes are more blue than ever. 

Theo doesn’t like change. He never did. But Liam is there, and it’s enough. 

His heart is beating, at the same time as Liam’s. 

Maybe that’s that. Soulmates. Maybe it’s not just having names written on a wrist. 

Maybe that’s just two people breathing together. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

> _I never believed in destiny._
> 
> _No, the stars never whispered my name, my future._
> 
> _I grabbed my own fate with two hundred hands, pulling and pushing and molding my life, leaving smudges and dirty fingerprints all over a once clean soul. My mistakes belong entirely to me._
> 
> _No, the stars never mapped out a path for me to follow, never planned my downfalls, my_ _triumphs._
> 
> _I rule the stars, not the other way around. I take their dust and inject it in my veins. I breathe in their light as_
> 
> _I live,_
> 
> _I live,_
> 
> _I live._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. here are we. The end.  
> And it’s an happy end ! Did you think it would be an happy end ?  
> I think it was the better way of ending this story. Liam bringing Theo back to life, and everything changing for Theo for the best.  
> I really liked writing this story. I inspired Theo’s feelings mostly from mine, and I really hoped you liked the way I wrote. Let me know what you thought ! ^^  
> And also keep an eye on my profile. I’ll post a new Thiam story soon, so... stay tuned, or whatever <3  
> I think the quote at the end is beautiful. It’s not from me, but I found it on Pinterest and I fell in love with it.  
> Love


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